Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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