Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
