Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
