I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
