that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
