I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
