Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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