so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
