I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Swine flu is the new snow day.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
