i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
