We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
