Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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