Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
