i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
