god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
