my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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