she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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