Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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