I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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