You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
