Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
