I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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