he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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