I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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