please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
