Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
