why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
