I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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