if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
