you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
