I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Small penises have feelings too.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
