Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
