OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
