it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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