How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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