My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
