ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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