I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
