My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
