alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
