i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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