new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
