I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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