I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
