matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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