I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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