I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
