i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
