Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
