you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
