You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
