I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
