Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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